~.*+-[Imadoki]-+*.~

i've accepted that we're just not meant to be, but i've also accepted that he's going to be that one person i carry with me for the rest of my life,
the one who is always going to make my heart jump a little and my stomach tie up in knots.
no matter how happy i am otherwise and no matter how long it's been.
the one i will always wish had asked me to be his, even though i'm happier with the guy that did...
but everyone knows...yes, everyone knows...the boy who holds my hand, is not the boy who holds my heart...
and i hate that feeling when my throat hurts from all the tears i've held back, and i don't know if i can control the words coming out of my mouth...there are just too many things i never told him...
so this is to you. treat him right, okay?
he deserves to be happy, despite what he believes. he deserves the best...and i guess that wasn't me.
and if i can't be the one to give it to him … i want you to.
i know that every time i look at him, i would love to see you out of his life 
but you just have to understand that he was my life for so long...
and it's going to take me a while to let go of the fact that he loves someone else
i know he loves you. i can tell by the look in his eyes when he sees you, that you mean the world to him...
he used to look at me with those eyes. i could've sworn they told me he loved me too...
but things change and i'm learning to accept that.
so don't be angry with me if i cry when i see you two together or have a sad expression when i hear you talking about him.
you've got to understand that i could've spent the rest of my life with him and wanted nothing more.
you've got to understand that i looked forward to seeing him than anything in the whole world.
you've got to understand that i never wanted to let go of him...i never wanted him to leave, nor did i want to leave.
but i knew if i had stayed, i would only be in his way. and my feelings would be just a burden to him.
i knew it would hurt him.
but you, you give him life. so please, take care of him, okay?

This is to pushing on the splintered walls of the world, trying to break free.
This is to 4 am phone calls and tears that can't be wiped away by tissues.
This is to red wine and cigarettes on the bathroom floor, to the boy that didn't love her back.
This is to valued letters and notes that got lost in the washer, and torn into a million little pieces.
This is for unwanted help, and most needed attention; to the girls that put up away messages in hopes he'll understand.
This is to not only the guys being heartbreakers, but the girls as well.
This is to the victims and victimizers; to the people that couldn't help it when they bled.
This is to those that had their hearts ripped from their sleeves.
This is to believing every lie.
This is to being sick to my stomach just thinking about him loving someone else.
This is to the pain held in every day.
This is to the escape I thought I found in him.
This is to those who live with a heart that has long since been broken.
This is to all the "What if?"'s and the wishes that'll never come true.
This is to feeling so desperate, but can't help it, because all you want is them back.
This is to all the words you never said and to the ones we choke on.
This is to holding your breath in that one perfect moment and being terrified that you'll blink and it'll all be gone.
This is to when it is all gone and you feel like you have nothing left.
This is to realizing that it wasn't your fault. And that they're never come back.
This is to those who never got to say goodbye after saying something harsh before they left.
This is to everything you thought once meant something and never did.
This is to those who feel better aching than empty.
This is to what didn't happen.
This is to the tomorrows that are just another thing to get through.
This is to how I wish I'd never come that close to loving you.
This is to realizing that you are your own (and everyone else's) worst enemy.
This is to those who are dying to be alive.
This is to knowing it wont work out, but taking the leap anyway.
This is to every tear wasted on people who never cared.
This is to sitting and waiting for the phone to ring.
This is to being ignored and trying to being imperfectly perfect
This is to finding him, and holding on tight.
This is to the girl behind that smile.
This is to wanting to speak the most honest words you've ever spoken in your life, not knowing whether they should bring you closer to living or dying.
This is for all of us who cry with dry eyes.
This is for those who fall in love in their dreams, and wake up only to wish to be sleeping again.
This is to not knowing, and being too scared to know.
This is to True Love never ignited.
This is to prose and poetry and those with tender hearts.
This is to those who'll never get it...those who wonder where love starts.
This is to that one person who you think is the kindest, sweetest, smartest, and most beautiful person ever.
This is to that one person who means everything.
This is to losing that one person.
This is to loving him, and watching him love someone else...
This is to those nights where you just can't sleep because every word they said to you replays, over and over.
This is to those days when you just stay at home, because your heart is too weak to take in laughing.
This is to those nights on the sidewalk where the two of you were the two of you again after so many years of changing.
This is to letting go
This is to beautiful boys who are just beautiful friends.
This is to the ones that sit at home, lonely, hoping to find someone just like them.
This is to the people who constantly want to bring you down because you were successful and they couldn't come close.
This is to the boys that turned our hearts to glass just to shatter them and use the pieces to cut the wounds a little deeper.
This is to all the times I knew what he was doing and I ignored it.
This is to that tingly butterfly feeling you get when they're around.
This is to the night when feelings changed.
This is to the very first kiss...
This is to eye contact, avoiding it, keeping it, trying to hide it.
This is to feeling emotionless, and watching yourself bleed to know you still feel.
This is to the girl that never gives up, and to the boy that gave up so easily.
This is for teaching yourself how to care, when it's the last thing you want to do.
This is to the ones who still care, reciting promises of forever.
This is to the fish that killed off all the others in the tank and now just won't die.
This is to being so in love that it fucking scares you.
This is to the words never spoken and the feelings left unsaid.
This is to the fragile ones and the ones that never let them bruise.
This is to those who attempt perfect, but know they'll never achieve it.
This is to those who fight for the weak and hopeless.
This is to those who never give up on their dreams - no matter what.
This is to the girls who pretend to be super girl, just to hide their pain.
This is to the boys that made them hurt.
This is for the children who cry themselves to sleep at night, wishing that their parents loved them.
This is to those who survived and have become stronger, better people.
This is to those who love that person more then they'll ever know, and have to live everyday wondering if they'll ever realize...

i'm a girl, who never gets it right.
i'm a daughter, whose never been good enough.
i'm a friend, who will always be there.
i'm a traveler, whose just trying to find her way.
i'm a giver, who never gets anything in return.
i'm a stranger, who you think nothing of. 
i'm a musician, who never tried hard enough.
i'm a writer, who never finishes anything.
i'm an intellectual, who doesn’t let it show.
i'm a lover, whose heart is way too big.
i'm a fighter, who will never give up on you.
i'm a princess, who is waiting for prince charming.
i'm an actress, who pretends  she’s always alright.
i'm a hippie, who wishes the world could live in peace.
i'm an optimist, who finds beauty in everything.
i'm a runner, who runs at the first sign of destruction.
i'm a child, whose afraid of growing up.
i'm a gambler, whose risked everything she loves.
i'm an atheist, who just doesn’t know what to believe in anymore.
i'm a wisher, who always gets her hopes up only to watch them fall.
i'm a liar, who keeps the truth from you so you don’t get hurt.
i'm a cheater, whose just tired of losing.
i'm a realist, who can see past your facade.
i'm a dreamer, whose dreams are too big.
i'm a teenager, whose just trying to live...

I'm writing this almost as some sort of desperate plea, but I'm begging you to get out of my head, once and for all. I never thought I'd say this, but I wish I could forget that we ever met, that you ever existed, that I didn't spend so much time thinking about you everyday. Because, as much as I would like to deny it to myself, I haven't stopped thinking about you. there are nights that i fall asleep thinking about you, or days when you wander through my thoughts.
I thought that by not talking to you, all thoughts of you would disappear completely, you'd be out of my life for good, as if it would make it easier for me to move on. But it only made things worse. For some reason, you were still there, somewhere at the back of my mind.
I don't know what's brought me to think all of this, maybe it's because of all the feelings for you i know i shouldn't have. Seeing you everyday but always wanting something i know i cant have... 
 
There will always be little things all around me, to trigger my memory, to remind me of what we were, but then again what were we? there will also always be the memory of the thoughts of what could have been. but i guess we'll never know now will we?
 there is the paper hearts that you gave me in freshman and junior year on my closet floor. I've never could bring myself to throw them away... things of mine that you liked, things from when I saw you, even something as little as walking down the street and catching a hint of the cologne you wore to remind me of you, and how I used to feel. I can't stand it. I hate that everyone either assumes that we're still great friends, or that I still care about you, or that we'll be friends again someday soon...or even more. It sickens me, quite literally, anytime something bad has happened between us, my stomach has revolted against me. what is this hold you've always had over me? Why is it, after so much time, after countless mistakes and arguments, I was never able to let you go? 
i always thought there was a reason...that there had to be more that was to happen between us. there had to be a reason why neither of us could never let go of the other. a reason that our paths always crossed, despite whatever happened...

I'll never be able to properly escape you. I'm asking you to remove the thoughts of you from my brain, I'm asking you to somehow completely erase yourself from my life, every little memory, every joke we shared, every late night conversation, every hug, every kiss, everything.

I hate you so much. I hate you for being everything that I've ever wanted when i had no idea what it was i wanted. I hate you for getting on with me so well. I hate you for making me fall in love with you. I hate you for being one of my favourite people, I hate you for thinking that I was one of your favourite people too. I hate you for all the times you were so kind. I hate you for what you've done, and all the things you've said. I hate you for somehow making me like you for so long. I hate you for how you could always make me smile. I hate you for your smile, your eyes, and the warmth i always felt with your every touch. I hate you for the way you've affected my life. I hate you for the way I've never liked anyone more than I liked you. I hate you, I hate you for being you, I hate you for existing.... I hate how I'll probably always love you for these exact same reasons...

If you are to ever find this letter, chances are we're probably either not talking anymore, or we've permenantly gone our seperate ways... Maybe it was just yesterday, or last week, or many months ago. however long it has been...i hope you havnt forgotten me. I've never told you, or asked you to promise me it, but I always wanted to tell you that. "Don't forget me". You said you never would, but I've still always wanted to ask you for that one favor, and if you must know why, that's what I've wanted. To not be just another girl to you. I wanted you to be able to look back on your life, and even if for just a moment, remember me. 
I hope I've changed you somehow...I hope i've made as big of an impact on your life as you have on mine... 
please always remember me...
i'll always remember you, whether you believe me when i say that or not, i will. and if someday, years from now, i pass you on a busy street or sidewalk, i'll smile at you and wave as though it were highschool all over again, 
even if you dont remember me... 
i hope you'll smile that grin i've always loved...

forever yours,
Renee

The chance to convey these feelings to you will probably never come around.
It feels as if we're so far apart, and I've never been good at putting my feelings into words.
So i feel i should write them down, so in case you were to ever find this, maybe you'll have some idea of how i felt about you...

you've taught me...
that looks can be decieving. you were always a mystery in itself.
that even if theres light in the sky, there is still always a chance at rain, but you've always been there and showed me how to enjoy those rainy days.
that things will always change, but memories will make it feel as though everything is still the same
that words are an edged weapon, but at the same time can become a tool wrapped in kindness.
that even if people cant see eye to eye, people still have hearts. how someone will always notice sooner or later...

I had given up everything without knowing anything.
I would have abandoned everything if i could just be with you in the littlest way.

The words, "I like you", carry too little weight...
The words, "I love you", are too ambiguous...

Because I don't know which is more correct to write,
or whether I will ever be able to tell you my feelings,
I'll just write --


Thank you for the world

if we walk away now, theres no turning around
gotta say what i mean, while your'e here with me...
i'm not sure i'll find words, to cover the hurt
that i see in your eyes.
but i've gotta try...

i know rocks turn to sand, and hearts can change hands
and your'e not to blame
when the sky fills with rain

but if we stay or walk away...
theres one thing thats true...
i still love you...

can you search down inside, let go of your pride?
if i forget trying to win, and just let you in...
i didnt travel this far, to watch it all far apart
so give me your hand, and please take one chance...

riding with me as close as before
whatever happens now, i wont ask for more.
your'e here in my heart from now until the end
whether we flame out or die, we have to try again.

i know rocks turn to sand, and hearts can change hands
and your'e not to blame when my sky fills with rain
but if we stay or walk away
theres one thing thats true...
i still love you.

and if you stay or walk away...
please know, one thing stays true...

its like a never ending story with us
there are times when everything falls apart, actually there have been a lot of times like that with us
but its the fact that we always seem to keep coming back to eachother thats telling me to hold on to that thought of us someday being together

is this just a mistake we keep repeating? or is it something more?
there has to be a reason that we keep coming back to each other.
there has to be a reason why neither of us can forget the other.
i cant be feeling this way just because...

it hurts to see someone you love with someone else.
or to even think about them being with another.
and i know the chances of me being your last is slim to none...
but thats alright.
because i did get one of my wishes...
that one place in your heart, that will always be for me.
being engraved in both your heart and memory
i know i can move on with a smile on my face
and with you in my heart and memory as well, never to be forgotten


things are different now. i know that. and i know you know that too.
we can never be friends.
nor can we ever be strangers.
because the truth is...

neither of us will ever be able to forget <3

i try to move on, but your not gone
'cause in my heart, your'e still the one
but now that your gone, i'm holding on
'cause deep in my heart, i want to move on
but now i know why...
i'll never love another for the rest of my life...
 

its funny how things work out.

i thought i was over it  i'm still waiting...
i thought i was done caring  i never even stopped...
i thought i had forgotten  i thought you wanted to forget...
i thought i didnt need you anymore  i just got used to you not being around anymore...
i thought i was finished with all of this  but nothing ever really started...
i thought i had closed the book on us  but i constantly keep reading it...
i thought i had changed  not at all...
i thought you had given up on me  but that look is still in your eyes...
i thought i had moved on  yet i've been waiting all this time...

i thought fate was just rubbing in the fact that i couldnt be with you
but now i'm starting to think it's trying to bring us back together...


i'm starting to feel again.
i'm starting to remember the things i never even really forgot.
i'm not afraid to think of you anymore.
i dont mind smiling when thinking about what used to be.

i dont know if i love you. but i do know that what could've been will always run through my thoughts.
how these memories will always bring a smile to my face and tears to my eyes along with a laugh or two.

though we never really had any closure, and feelings were never told, i dont mind how things ended.
its heartbreaking to think about it, but at the same time... i feel like this isnt really the end...
and even if it is...this wasted heart of mine will always love you

 

Goodbye love...Goodbye love
Just came to say, Goodbye Love...goodbye...

yeah, i guess i was dumb. 
i tried to see past many things just to help myself believe that you were the one for me...i made it up in my head that we were meant to be together...but maybe i was wrong. so many times, all those times...what if i was wrong?
deep down inside, i cant help but think you don't care anymore. i know you love someone else. i know its not me you want to see every day. of course i know. i know it's not me who's in your dreams.
but i'm still yours...and in a way you're still in mine. and i can't get over you. 
i really don't know what to do. as much as i try to convince myself the truth, i still have it in my head that you're going to come back to me. and that wishful thinking's got me almost dead. theres an aching in my heart that just won't go away.
for some reason, i just need you. 

they say everything happens for a reason. but sometimes i cant help but question it all and search for the reasons why things turned out the way they did...and the way they didn't. 
i still wonder if maybe it's me that's buried way back there in the back of your mind.
tell me, every time a relationship doesn't work out, or you're feeling lonely, do you ever think of me?
is there a part of your conscious telling you that you can't live without me?
every time you see my face, does it hurt knowing you threw it all away?
am i anything at all to you? is she better than me? are you really happier with her?

tell me...is her love worth more than what we were? whatever it was we were...
please, do tell me.

i can't go on not knowing why...

i hate it when people say, "there is too such thing as true love!"
no, dumbass there isnt. theres just effing LOVE
whats all this about "puppy love" "first love" "true love" and all that other junk?
theres just LOVE. you either LOVE someone or you DONT
[and if you have to think about it, chances are your not in love]
and whats with people nowadays saying, "i really loved him/her..." ?
no, you either STILL love them, or NEVER did.

"it's not worth it" - well i guess it isnt if thats how you see it
"if it makes you cry or hurts you its not worth it" - wth? some of the best things in life are going to hurt you! hell, EVERYTHING in life is going to hurt you!

i dont believe in "waiting until marraige"  
what if you meet the right person NOW? what if they leave and you never see them again?
i didnt want to wait until MARRAIGE
i wanted to wait for the right guy.

i dont believe in playing it safe.  you have to take risks!
even if everything falls apart in the end
even if you end up heartbroken
even if things dont work out
who the hell cares?! because you shouldnt

dont think about how things will end.
a story doesnt have to have a happy ending for it to be a good one.
the story doesnt even have to END. just turn the page.

all that matters is going through it all; the pain, tears, heartache, ups, and downs
deciding whose worth the pain, and having no regrets with what you do
to have the courage to be able to go through everything, and not care how it ends, but have the strength to know that it will

yeah, maybe i am "too young". but hey, there are people out there who are doing it who are WAY younger. and at least i do it with someone i love. [or at least the first time]
and no, it didnt last. hell, there wasnt anything to begin with. and it ended badly, and i DID get my heartbroken.

but i dont care.
there are people who are twice my age that wish they could've experienced what i did with him and feel what i've felt.

i dont want to wait until marraige, until i'm in my twenties or whatever age i am by then.
i didnt want to wait for the guy i'd marry.
i wanted to wait for the right guy.
and i did. [and i'll always love him]
and i knew things would end badly.
i knew i'd get hurt.
i knew. and it was worth it.
every tear i've cried, every night spent awake, every day i felt that heartbraking pain in my chest, i believe was worth it.
because i also believe this heart of mine will heal.


i have no regrets in what i've done. because i'm living my life. <3

...i still love you...
i still love you

i know what it feels like to have your heart broken.
i know how you probably feel.
empty, betrayed, as if nothing will ever be the same again...
when you don't want to laugh, because you know it's not going to help
but at the same time you don't want to cry, because it'll just make you feel worse 
when it feels like your heart is falling apart, but not only that, its as if your life is going to fall apart too 

and its scary because you don't think it will ever end, because no matter what that person has done to you, it feels impossible to stop loving them
and everyone always asks, "if they've hurt you so much, then why do you still love them?"
that's the confusing part, you don't really know why. you just do, you still love them.
its usually the people who hurt you the most, who are normally the ones you love the most..

and then, after a few weeks... you finally feel a sense of relief, like you're getting happy again, but you know inside that you're just going into denial...
your not becoming "happy" again, your just now able to wake up in the morning and face whats come to be...
and after a few more weeks, you're back to where you were to begin with...an empty soul and teary eyes..
you thought you got over them, but really, you just stopped showing it...
and you can't help but show it again... 

it leaves deep scars on your heart that are there forever.
and its like no one can really understand how you feel, and how deep your'e hurt, no matter who they are, because chances are it hasn't happened to them...
and even if it has...every broken heart is different 

they don't know the true pain you feel...they dont know the feelings you carry each and every day, because they werent in love with that one person.
so you start to learn that basically your'e alone...
and the feeling starts to overwhelm you, until finally...you just break down...right there, because you know you've had enough.
the tears just instantly start flowing, and you get to the point where you just don't care who sees anymore...
because when you've spent so many nights lying awake in bed, and so many days being haunted by the scars and fear of rejection... a part of you breaks...

and in the midst of all those tears, you know that its not helping any, and it's not going to bring them back, especially when you never had them to begin with...
but after about a million tears have been cried, you finally pull yourself back together and keep going... 

your throat starts to clench and your eyes burn with the tears you hold back, and sometimes a few break through, but you keep your head up high and keep walking forward.
and everyone says, "dont worry, it'll be okay" but you know it won't be... 
because thats the truth...it wont be.

and you look back on all of the hurt you'd gone through, and you realize that deep down, people are horrible...
and you're still hurt, but you've learned to hide it so that everyone thinks your'e okay.
so now everytime you see this person, you know you still love them, and you feel a slight tingle in your heart yearning for their love, screaming out...but they never hear it... 
and you walk past them, your eyes focused straight ahead, determined not to look over at them. and in that split second where the two of you pass eachother, you can see out of the corner of your eye that they're looking straight ahead too...
and it makes you wonder if they're doing the same thing...

and then, after so much time has passed...you sit back and wonder...how one person could have caused so much... and you realize how big of a role they played in your life...and it only adds to the pain because you know that chances are, you'll never forget them...

have you ever searched for something so hard that your perception of reality became anything but true? there is more to life than just living out a routine, life isn’t a show, it’s more than that... 
most people hide from what they don’t want to believe. fear sometimes overwhelms us, but some learn to overcome a simple fear. fear is fear it’s self. just a word. superficial unimportance. 
don’t tie yourself to something  and don’t jump off the edge. you acted like you wanted this but your not mature enough to handle it. don’t treat me like i should be acting different, it’s not my life, it’s yours. don’t drag me down with your sorrows, i have my own. 
have you ever had to share a wall with death? have you ever listened to the struggles of catching what might be your last breath? if you think your life is such a mess then i hope that’s the worst that happens to you...

i want the people i love to be happy. i want them to find whatever it is they're looking for in life. i want them to laugh.
i dont believe in much anymore. 
i try not to follow my heart.
i dont want anything to do with love...

but that doesnt mean i want the same for my friends.

i want them to believe in destiny and fate. i want them to believe that everything happens for a reason.
i want them to follow their hearts and trust in their feelings. 
i want them to take risks and chances, no matter what the consequences.
i want them to believe in love and believe that no matter how bad things may seem, things will be okay in the end.

i'm not a good friend.
i'm never there when people need me, but i'm there when its convienient...
i cant solve anyones problems, but im alway willing to listen to them...
i want to bear their burdens, or at least share it with them so they dont have to face it alone.
i know what its like to feel alone.
i know what its like to be alone. 

i'm not saying my life is horrible, because overall its not. 
i have a family that loves me. they're just never really there...
i get fed and have a roof over my head. so why am i always trying to find a way to get out...?

i'm sick of this person i am. i want to be someone better.
i'm tired of just living.
i'm tired of never being enough...
i'm tired of always having to hold everything in...
i'm tired of being used...
i'm tired of handing out the pieces of this broken heart of mine to anyone who passes by...

i want to believe in things again

i dont want to just turn the pages of my life. 
i want to be able to have the strength to be able to look back too.


to be able to look over my shoulder, smile, and then continue walking forward...

i feel like i'll always remember everything we ever did together. the laughs, the arguments, the tears i've cried. the teasing, the late night phone calls, the stories we always told...
the hugs, the smiles, and the kisses we shared...
i dont want to forget, and though i'll always remember those times...

i'm starting to forget the sound of your voice. 
i'm starting to forget that smile you always saved for me.
i'm starting to forget how you always laughed....
all i have left are the memories of what used to be and the plaguing thoughts of what could've been...
though the memories bring some comfort, they're not enough...
it was my fault...and i have to live with that forever...

i know now that things wont be the same between us, even if we make amends. even if i were to apologize, even if you were to accept me back into your life...
it wouldnt be enough... not for me...
you always trusted me with your life...but i wanted you to be able to trust me with more than just that...
i wanted you to trust me with your heart...

we can never be friends. we crossed that line, and now we're just stuck in this unknown place. more than friends but not lovers. 
not even friends...its like we have to start all over again. go back to being 'strangers'
but you and i will never be strangers, will we? 
we have a history, even if we're the only ones who know...

with every lie thats told. every "oh, no, nothing happened". every "no, i dont know her.". every ignored question about 'us' thats asked to you. 
does it ever hurt you, even in the least? 
do you feel a sence of regret? or just a little pain with having to do so? 
or is it just me...?

i want to move on. i want to be able to look at you and not feel like i have to look away.
i dont want to feel like i shouldnt be thinking about you.
at least three weeks of bottled up tears came pouring out last night...my head was pounding and my eyes hurt...
it wasnt like i needed to cry for three weeks; i've actually been really happy for awhile...
but everything just built up too high and has now caused me to crash again...

i realize your no longer a part of my life. and even though its taken a little while, i'm alright with that...
i've learned that i can still smile and laugh without you. its not the same, but i can still do it.
you'll always be that one guy, the one i let go. "the one that got away". and it breaks my heart all over again to think about it...
you were unmistakeably the first guy i fell in love with, and i will never forget that. even though we've grown apart and have changed...
a piece of you will always be a part of me because you've unknowingly showed me what i diserve...

and every guy i'm with for the rest of my life, will always be compared to you... 

we had our ups and down. i've cried so many tears just because of you alone. 
things have changed, but the time we had together and the memories we've made will always be there. 
no matter how far apart we are, no matter who we end up with in the end. i believe we'll always remember eachother.
i believe that even years from now, when we've gone our seperate ways, thoughts of you will still keep me up at night.
even though things didnt turn out the way i wanted them to, i wont regret it. 
i had a chance, and i lost it. 
we had our story...and thats enough for me...


i'll stop wishing for more...

'love' isnt a name we use for eachother and 'I love you' are words we never say
we're both just looking for a moment's solace...just a few moments of feeling needed and complete
and we give that to eachother...

you take me by the hand and lead me away into places i've never seen before.
you help me understand life more and more with each passing day. 
you cheer me up when i'm down and you dont settle for just making me smile, you're always making me laugh too...
you'v helped me mature and grow into a person i never thought i could be...
i've changed because of you and i'm still not sure whether or not thats a good or bad thing
i seem to always lose myself in your arms, and i feel a sence of pride and fullfillment when you look at me with those eyes

i suppose for the betterment of both of us, neither of us say anything on those nights we spend together...
not until afterwards at least. and i'm alright with that,i guess...but i cant help but wonder what it is your thinking about when your so quiet...

all i want is some sort of release...to soar above this lonely heart .
but i wonder if its wrong to be thinking of someone else whenever i'm with you... 

i feel safe when i'm with you though. and i've become addicted to the warmth of your arms, and i seem to find peace only when i'm in your bed now...
but when it's over, why do we both roll away...? i know why i do...but why do you?
why is it whenever you leave my heart breaks again? i can feel myself growing attached to you, and that scares me more than you'll ever know...


"love" isnt a word we use for eachother... 
but i can feel it when i'm in your arms...
"i love you" are words we never say...
but i can see it in your eyes...


i want to know what it is you think about when you hold me in your arms...
i want to tell you that i dont want this to end...whatever this is...
but i'll be damned before i admit to needing you... and i wont ask you to stay with me...


i will never ask you to stay...

i know. i'm difficult
i have an attitude, i'm mean to you sometimes, and i refuse to open up to you sometimes
but i'm asking you to deal with that. i'm begging you. dont be like the rest of them and give up on me at the first sign of trouble. 
want the good AND the bad parts of me.

you said i'm thoughtful. well i also have a lot of thoughts that i will express.
you said i'm beautiful. i'm a TEENAGE GIRL, so please bare with me that i wont always agree with you, but i love it when you say it.
i feel comfortable around you, i can be myself. i dont have to think about what i should or shouldnt say. so please understand that i'll always say exactly whats on my mind, even when its mean, rude, or blunt. 

i DO and most likely WILL get jealous. i feel insecure at times. i'm not clingy, but i crave your attention. 
i push you away at times, but i want nothing more than be as close to you as possible..
i love how you know when something is wrong and just wait for me to tell you instead of asking me nonstop to. 
i love how we can joke around and talk for hours and when we say goodbye or goodnight, its only a matter of minutes until one of us calls the other just to talk some more. 

your the only guy whose put up with me at my worst. 
you went through all the trouble of braking through my barriers when all the others gave up when they saw it...
i need to know that i can trust you to accept me.
your not perfect, i know you arent, i dont want you to be. so please...dont expect me to be either

i dont want to lose this. i know we're not together. but i love whatever it is we are. i've fallen for this fairytale and for once, i dont mind living a lie...as long as i'm living it with you...

so please...dont give up on me...

 

<sub>well indeed i am, i was already slowly breaking down inside, so i guess it was only inevitable that this happened. lust, denial, stories always being added to - was it all worth it in the end? are you any better off now? did you gain or lose anything from knowing me, leading me along, doing what you did? i would have done anything for you, you know. i meant every word i said to you, but i'm sorry i never really told you all of what i was really feeling. i just didn't know what to say... you were everything to me. are you now? i have no idea anymore. and what am i to you? what was i to you? i know i'm not you, so i can never really know for sure...but i cant help but feel like deep down i was something you never really admitted to. when asked who you "liked" the answer was never me as you had told me many times. and it seemed like everyone else always echoed it back to me. i'm sure i'm nothing to you now, no matter as to if you say you still consider me as a "part of you". it all comes down to being worth nothing in the end. it seems like that's all i am to you. nothing. but, how could i be anything else than what you wanted me to be? i was only ever out to be who you made me - what you wanted. if i found something wrong, it was all to make you sad. or so you say. i said it wasn't true. too late now i guess right? you can only believe something you want to believe - and i guess thats not me. and it never will be... 

it used to all mean something to me, but now it doesn't, because i know it meant nothing to you. just a one time thing, nothing special. just with some girl. why'd it have to be a secret? wait no, that has no answer really i guess. but it wasn't that easy. you dug yourself in a hole. had to step on someonge to get out. and out you got. i remember you would always say i seemed sad or upset. you don't even know why...do you? what would you have done if i'd told you it was because of you?

i cant help but wonder if this will ever end? did it ever even have to happen? and noone even knows now. i know thats what you want so i dont mind lying about it and saying nothing happened. now its just a secret you and i know...and its been so long, i'm starting to forget. everything is starting to fade into the background. i guess this is how it was meant to be. or else it wouldn't be like this...</sub>

i do miss those midnight conversations though...how you would make me laugh out of my own frustration. but i guess people just come to know that, and they get so used to being loved, and forget, than in one second, it can all come crashing down...now i know to not let anything get that far ever again, because i didn't know how i could wake up one morning and have it all hit me...i didn't know i could miss you this much...

<sub>i know it was my fault, dont get me wrong, and i dont blame you for doing what you did. and i'm not mad either. i believe you knew what you were doing and i'm sure you thought this was for the best...i believe in you...
but i cant stop thinking about how things ended and how things have come to be...
its like nothing ever happened...as if we never even met....
and i cant stop thinking about it... i mean...


am i that easy to forget...?</sub> 

i know i should've learned my lesson the first time around, but i just cant help it. 

this guy is just amazing though.
the way he holds me makes me want to never let go.
when he touches me its like my skin is on fire and his hands always seem so cold..
he desires every part of me
its like he knows my every curve, like his eyes have already memorized every inch of my body...

its like we just fit together and neither of us ever leave the other unfulfilled.
he takes my breath away, literally, and he knows just what to do to please me.
he's the only guy whose been able to make me scream his name
and i love how it seems like i'm the only one who can see him at his most weakest and most vulnerable state...
he makes me feel beautiful in every way and not only desires my body but loves my personality too...

i wish i meant more than just a symphony of heavy breathing and the friction of hips...but even i cant deny that its simply amazing...

you know that saying, "time heals everything"? yeah...thats complete bull.
i honestly dont think time can heal anything...all it can do is pass...keep going on...and be a constant reminder that whats happened has happened, and each passing second forces you to come to terms with reality...


that not everything can be fixed
that sometimes, "i'm sorry" just isnt enough
that things change...


its funny how when we breakdown, or get our hearts broken, we feel like nothing will ever be the same again, or that we wont be able to really "live" without that one thing in our lives...
in a sence, i guess thats true...i mean, of course things wont be the same, and at first i really did think that i wouldnt be able to live without that person being a part of my life...
but i've come to realize that i can.
every breath i've taken is proof that i can love without them.
even if it hurts to do so...

life goes on, with or without you, just like time...as impossible as it may seem at times, it does.
even for me...

i keep myself busy. and i tend not to think about things too much.
i have a hard time falling asleep at night, and even when i go to sleep just fine, i always wake up early..
i've started running in the morning now, since i wake up at about 5 or 5:30 now. i dont know why though...i've always hated running...
and sometimes, i'll reach for the phone, wanting to call you just to talk, and i remember i cant...

i do still think about that person though sometimes, even if it hurts to, i'm glad to have those memories...
and i do still cry, but not as much as before...
and i can eat without getting sick now too...

i'm not okay. i feel like crap, and i hate myself for being the kind of person i am. i feel alone and empty...and i'm sad... 
but its a good kind of sad...


the kind that just takes time...

nothing lasts forever. as sad, heartbraking, and depressing as it may be, its true. the people you love will always leave, and eventually there will be no one else. and in the end, when everythings fallen apart, you ask yourself, "what do i do now...?"

the answer is simple though really. you either hold your head up high and move on with your life...or you stay where you are and dwell on what could've been or what went wrong.
it takes strength and bravery to be able to act like something isnt bothering you. to be able to force a smile when you just want to break down and cry...

i've slept for the past couple of days, i was actually surprised that my parents didnt force me out of bed, but they let me sleep, if you can callit that at least. it was more of a stare-at-the-wall kind of thing...i just wanted to stay in bed i guess..
i havnt really eaten much, i'm just not hungry, and when i am, the food just wont stay down...
and i did cry. as pathetic as it sounds, i did. it happened almost immediately and i wasnt even aware that i was crying until i felt the need to rub my eyes, then it just took a long time for me to stop.

somethings just missing...and i miss it.

its funny how you dont realize what you have until its gone. we all hear about it and stuff, and almost everyone knows the saying and whatever...but you still never really know how it feels until it actually happens to you... 
something so small that was always a part of your life, that you never really even thought about because you were so used to it...suddenly gone....

its sad when you cant get back what you've lost...but its even sadder when it was your fault for losing it...
everyday just seems to come and go...

and the days seem so much longer than what they used to be...

i believe you should try and live the happiest life that you can. stick up for everything you believe in, always...but also remember that you don't need to raise your voice against someone just to prove your point. why ruin someone elses happiness just so you can start an argument? if someone was saying that they believe the "group" you were a part of doesn't deserve the right to vote, stand up for yourself. if someone says that grape jelly is best and you disagree, you don't need to make it into a battle, it may be important to you, but in reality, no one cares. understand when to let things slide and when to make your voice heard. 

know when to yell and when to keep your mouth shut.

if you have anything to say about someone, make sure that you can say it to that persons face if the situation arises. if you "talk about people behind their backs", as does every single person does [i dont believe ANYONE who says that they've NEVER talked about someone behind their backs, i mean, c'mon] you better be able to back up your words if and when word gets back to the person you are talking about. if you don't have the pride/courage/drive to do so, then keep your mouth shut. yeah, sometimes we go around talking about how so-and-so is confusing or talking about a problem with a friend that your having with so-and-so, but theres a fine line between doing that; talking about feelings, or conflicts, or getting advice, to totally talking crap about a person. 

when you interact with other people, you should feel confident in the fact that they are upfront and real with you. speak your mind, even if your voice shakes. if you can't back your opinions when confronted about them, than what is the point of having opinions?

if someone says something to you about their opinion on a certain situation, you being their friend, and you don't like it, well thats okay. but don't call out some random person and express your opinion without restraints when you cant say it to the someone who you disagreed with initially. why chance fucking up a friendship over something that should have been forgotten about and isnt even a big deal?

 
there is never a right or wrong. no matter what you choose, theres always going to be someone who dissagrees with you. like, some people think war is wrong, but others think its the only way to make peace. 
so say what you want, go ahead and express yourself and your opinion. just be prepared and keep in mind that theres always going to be someone just waiting to prove you wrong.